Jokes
The doctor gave a man six months to live.The man couldn't pay his bill,
-so the doctor gave him another six months.
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, who
died peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like all
the passengers in his car!
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
NEWS article:
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is all about. There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world. Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died last week at 83. It was especially difficult for the family to keep him in the casket. They'd put his left leg in and . . . well, you know the rest.
"When I first started as a consultant I was called by a youth organization that offered after-school sports programs to come and discuss my fundraising services with them. In order to prepare I asked them to send me some of their previous fundraising materials...newsletters, invitations, appeal letters. After reviewing what they sent, I knew there was one suggestion that I would gladly give them free of charge. Although we know personalization is always best in any appeal, if that was not possible then I strongly recommended that they switch the Salutation to 'Dear Friend' instead of 'Dear Athletic Supporter'."
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
Woody Allen said "I don't mind dying- I just don't want to be there when it happens."
In light of the advent of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:
If you pushed your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
a. Murder?
b. Suicide?
c. Merely making an obscene clone fall?
ONE LINERS
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
I intend to live forever, so far so good.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
Q: What is the definition of a will?
A: A dead giveaway.
Disorder in the court: Actual questions asked in court
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. back to top
LAWYER JOKES:
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
* A tick falls off of you when you die.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
LONGER JOKES:
Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note, and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
The Sound of AARP
Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.
Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of 'sinning,'
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
If we can remember our friends and their names.
When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And I don't feel so bad. back to top
The ultimate in gift "planning".
An elderly gentleman, quite well to do, realized that his life was turning down the final stretch, so he summoned the three friends that he trusted the most for some advice: one was a doctor, one a priest, and one an attorney.
"I've been thinking lately," he said to them, "that perhaps there is something to the ancient Egyptian belief that when we die, we take some things with us to the next world. So, I'm giving each of you an envelope with $1 million cash in it. At my funeral, I ask each of you to slip it into my casket so that I can use it on my journey to the next world."
A few weeks later, he was dead. At the funeral, each of the three went up to the casket, and each placed an envelope into the casket. Afterwards, the three were talking, and the doctor couldn't keep it in any longer. "I have a confession," he said. "This year has been quite bad for the clinic. My CAT scan machine broke, and I had to scrape to replace it. I took $80,000 out of the envelope to pay for it."
As the other two cringed, the priest then added, "I must confess, too. The poor have been especially bad this year, and to provide them with food, I took $120,000 out and used it to feed and clothe them."
The attorney was beside himself. "I am disgusted. Our friend asked but one thing of each of us, and trusted us with his last request. How could you two break that trust and go against his wishes?"
The doctor replies, "You expect us to believe that you, an attorney, left $1 million in the envelope?"
"Of course!" replied the attorney. "In that envelope was a personal check for the FULL amount!"
NEW
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a.......
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP... behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him...
faster...
faster...
BUMP...
BUMP....
BUMP.
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. . .
However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. . .
With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ... his hand comes to rest on a large bottle of Robitussin.
Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition.
